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Things that go beep in the night

Your heart rate instantly quickens. Your breathing shortens. Your blood pressure rises. All because of one noise. One noise coming out of a little box next to your bed. The monitor.

Not my actual kid on the monitor, but I'd watch this one neurotically too if need be.

Not my actual kid on the monitor, but I’d watch this one neurotically, too, if need be

I don’t know if I’m just a light sleeper or if, perhaps, I’m a tad bit crazy, but for me, that monitor rules the night. The monitor rules me.

It doesn’t matter if the kids move around in bed, make a soft noise, whimper a little or start to wail, the same reaction happens every time. It’s automatic and just terrible.

And once that automatic reaction occurs, I’m up for at least half an hour. It takes that long for my body to settle back down. I’m wide awake (at least my body is). And if my body is wide awake, my mind starts to race. And when that happens, good luck. It could be hours before I sleep again because I start going through my to-do lists, my plans for the next day, and, then, the general, completely irrational fears that I keep in my back pocket for just such occasions. OK, I guess I am more than a tad bit crazy.

However, I think what bothers me the most is that, as upset and disturbed as I am by the noises coming out of the monitor; my husband has no reaction whatsoever.

Take last night, for example.

The time: 1:23 a.m.

The culprit: This time, it wasn’t either kid. It was the actual monitor that ruined my deep REM cycle. You see, it wasn’t plugged in. Da Da Daaaaa.

So, at exactly 1:23 a.m. (I know because that’s how quickly I go from deep sleep to wide awake, I actually think to look at the clock and remember the time the next morning), the dreaded dying battery beep rang out loud in the room.

I paused and waited for Adam to react. The monitor is actually on his side of the bed, mostly because I become so paranoid about the darn thing that it actually disturbs my sleep even more when it’s next to me if that’s possible. I am constantly making sure I’m scanning, clicking the video button to check on the kids, checking the volume… you know, the usual.

I love the man, I really do!

I love the man! I really do!

Anyways, as I laid in bed waiting for Adam to react, the thing beeped again. Very sweetly and very gently, I tapped Adam and said, “Could you please plug the monitor in? It’s dying.” I swear I was sweet. I swear because I’m very cautious about monitor wars in our house. If I make Adam too upset about the whole thing, it will end up back on my side of the bed. That cannot happen.

So Adam stirred and turned toward the monitor. Then all went quiet. He’d fallen back asleep. The thing beeped again, and I gritted my teeth. “Adam,” I said. He moved again, this time I heard his hands on the table. Good, I thought.

Then, once again, nothing. The man is a freaking LOG! The monitor went BEEP. My blood pressure went up a little higher. “Adam,” I called, not so sweetly, but still softly, “could you please plug the monitor in?”

I heard a scuffle, something fell to the floor, more movement and then a BEEP again, taunting me and, apparently, lulling Adam back to sleep. OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

“Adam! Plug the darn (only I didn’t say darn) monitor in, for God’s sake!” He was up that time, the monitor was plugged in and, I swear to you, the man was back asleep before you could say, “Monitors are the worst.”

So, there I was, wide awake, muttering to myself and to sleeping Adam, just a ball of stress and frustration. So much for a decent night’s sleep.

And Adam? Well, Adam wouldn’t even remember the incident in the morning.

Lucky bas…

Anyways, I know that my monitor hatred is only matched by my monitor love. The monitor helped me let my kids cry it out. It tells me if my kids are making noises in their sleep or if they’re wide awake. It’s basically my peace of mind.

Until it’s the reason I’m losing my mind.

But love makes us all crazy sometimes, right, Adam?

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